Working My Way Out


As anyone with depression and anxiety can tell you, it’s an ebb and flow type of disease. I go through very long periods of down with occasional ups until I can finally pull myself out of the hole I’ve crawled into. So much has changed since June 5 (!!) that I don’t know where to begin.

~I had a housefire August 1 that destroyed 98% of mine and my family’s belongings, followed by a month of homelessness, fighting with insurance people, and finally getting a settlement that was less than half what it should have been.

~My Mom passed away about 3 weeks after the housefire. It was a long time coming since she suffered from COPD for nearly 5 years, but it was completely unexpected. No one in their thirties should bury their mother.

~I got married! We had it all planned out to get married November 21, but the housefire destroyed my dress and the decorations I had been making, and our venue lost their lease and we would have had to move anyway. So, we decided to get married September 13, and even though my Mom wasn’t there (nor really anyone that I care about besides 3 best friends and my boys), it was as nice as we could make it. It was cheap and quick, but I just couldn’t spend more time waiting to get my happiness; I had learned too quickly that waiting is worthless when you don’t know if you have tomorrow.

~I turned 40!

~The night of my 40th birthday, I ended up in the hospital, and stayed for 3 nights. Followed up by another stay 2 weeks later for another 3 nights. My heart is not doing well, it is very weak and only functioning at 1/3 of normal. Short term will probably be a pacemaker, long term will probably be a new heart inside of 15 years.

That’s my last few months in a nutshell. It’s been hard, and I’ve been fighting like hell to get out of this hole. Meds help a little bit, but the high level of stress combined with the low level of energy equals baby steps to being normal again.

I’ve been back on Pinterest to get some sort of organizational pathway set – printing lists, printing a devotional (desperately needed!), menu planning. I ACTUALLY have a plan for a freezer meal day! I call that a win. I ordered my planner for next year, and some pretty nifty markers, and I WILL use it. I have to have a plan, a schedule, a “normal” so that I can make myself get better.

I will make a plan to actually blog more often than twice a year, because I felt my healthiest when my home was clean, my freezer was stocked, my lists were in place, and my blog was active. I need to get back to that place.


About brandeekins

I'm a child of God, wife, Mom and step mom of 7 (!), knitter, crocheter, and maker of hairbows and afghans. I am living through heart failure and bi-polar disorder at the ripe old age of 40something. I am a car singer, cupcake baker, Pinterest loving former nurse that takes great pride in her faith, family, and abilities. Disabilities be damned.

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