Category Archives: Illness

Struggling

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I woke up this morning and my throat was hurting. Not my throat, exactly, but my neck. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it has been hurting since I stopped taking the antibiotics for the throat infection I had when I was at the hospital. Odd, since it really wasn’t hurting while I was on them.

Anyway, it was a rough start. I ended up sleeping for a couple hours after I got home from taking the kids to school, I was so tired! We were playing a game on the XBox (CSI – I know, silly) and I couldn’t keep my eyes open! It was ridiculous.

I did feel better once I woke up from my nap, and because it was an early school day, I had to get my poop in a group quickly to go pick them back up!

For now, dinner is done, meds are taken, scripture is read, and I did a load of laundry. I also worked on an afghan that was commissioned before the housefire. I feel horrible that I haven’t finished it yet, but I did have to restart it. I have struggled to maintain any level of sanity since the fire on August 1, I wish that I could have a re-do.

That’s the downside of anxiety and depression, though. You never know how it’s going to rear it’s ugly head, who will be in the crosshairs, and what will have to be put aside so that you can just breathe.

And, so, that’s what I will go do now. Just breathe.

 

Gumption

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I’ve been trying to compile a list in my head of what I am thankful for. It’s hard, it’s been a hard year. It’s been a hard few years, actually. I want to be determined to make the coming year a million times better, but I struggle with the gumption to do anything about it.

Gumption. Funny word, that. My lack of gumption is a combination of lazy, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, poor, and feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe that will be my thing this year. Gumption.

In a spurt of gumption last week, I made a list of goals that I want to accomplish each day. They include at least 1 load of laundry, reading my Bible or doing devotion, take my meds – morning and night, and checking in with the outside world.

Oddly enough, laundry, my arch nemesis in a houseful of so many people, actually calms me. It makes me feel like I’m getting something accomplished. My challenge with it is making sure that the kids put their clean stuff in a dresser or closet instead of on the floor or in the dirty clothes. It’s a learning process.

Gumption, maybe everyone could use a little more of it.

 

Working My Way Out

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As anyone with depression and anxiety can tell you, it’s an ebb and flow type of disease. I go through very long periods of down with occasional ups until I can finally pull myself out of the hole I’ve crawled into. So much has changed since June 5 (!!) that I don’t know where to begin.

~I had a housefire August 1 that destroyed 98% of mine and my family’s belongings, followed by a month of homelessness, fighting with insurance people, and finally getting a settlement that was less than half what it should have been.

~My Mom passed away about 3 weeks after the housefire. It was a long time coming since she suffered from COPD for nearly 5 years, but it was completely unexpected. No one in their thirties should bury their mother.

~I got married! We had it all planned out to get married November 21, but the housefire destroyed my dress and the decorations I had been making, and our venue lost their lease and we would have had to move anyway. So, we decided to get married September 13, and even though my Mom wasn’t there (nor really anyone that I care about besides 3 best friends and my boys), it was as nice as we could make it. It was cheap and quick, but I just couldn’t spend more time waiting to get my happiness; I had learned too quickly that waiting is worthless when you don’t know if you have tomorrow.

~I turned 40!

~The night of my 40th birthday, I ended up in the hospital, and stayed for 3 nights. Followed up by another stay 2 weeks later for another 3 nights. My heart is not doing well, it is very weak and only functioning at 1/3 of normal. Short term will probably be a pacemaker, long term will probably be a new heart inside of 15 years.

That’s my last few months in a nutshell. It’s been hard, and I’ve been fighting like hell to get out of this hole. Meds help a little bit, but the high level of stress combined with the low level of energy equals baby steps to being normal again.

I’ve been back on Pinterest to get some sort of organizational pathway set – printing lists, printing a devotional (desperately needed!), menu planning. I ACTUALLY have a plan for a freezer meal day! I call that a win. I ordered my planner for next year, and some pretty nifty markers, and I WILL use it. I have to have a plan, a schedule, a “normal” so that I can make myself get better.

I will make a plan to actually blog more often than twice a year, because I felt my healthiest when my home was clean, my freezer was stocked, my lists were in place, and my blog was active. I need to get back to that place.